Diary entry from 1st year college

"Suddenly that void is back. The need to talk endlessly with someone about nothing and everything. Restless, disturbed. I'm not usually like this. I want to sit down and feel one with everything again. I've lost it. The feeling of being involved and yet removed, aloof.

Probably all the petty bitching is getting to me. Making me angry, hurt, sad, bewidered. What keeps hitting back is that I can feel sadness again. I don't want to. Its useless I know. I can't believe that people want to bitch, scream, rant at each as if we were specimens of the lowest scum ever born.

Its okay to be disliked. Period. But an endless torrent of ugliness can be quite depressing. When you keep seeing people in their worst possible moods. It feels so utterly pointless to be stuck in a glacier of ugliness, without respite.

The surface is smooth. Blue skies, green meadows and colourfully clothed teenagers. But its different when you look closely. More stillted, unnatural, stiff. Going through the motions its supposed to.

I see people cheat, lie, decieve each other, see the satisfaction glint in their eyes like they have scored a point. Mean 10 to love. And so the isolated patches of bitterness. It makes me think, why am I here.

I should be somewhere out there laughing, singing, playing with the inborn sense of pride in being a creature of life and loving and then I keep reverting back to the original question. "Why the hell do people do it?" If it is for the momentary high of being authentically peverse and crooked I may as well start digging a hole for my faith in people.

As far as I am concerned I'd rather just sit alone and talk to my invisible friends again. Talk about nothing and everything, endlessly without restraint and get the venom out of the system..."


How sweet was I...